I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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