im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
