I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
