i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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