I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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