How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
