You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
