We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
