Cold hands, warm shart.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize