i love accidental penises.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Randomize
