Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
