either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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