His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
