I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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