I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
