Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
