I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize