why didn't you poke me back
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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