decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
