At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
