Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
