why didn't you poke me back
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
