So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
