Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
