It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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