i permit you to call me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
