fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
