I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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