i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
