Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
