I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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