I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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