I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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