Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
