I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I believe in your delicious
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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