Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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