if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
