If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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