i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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