Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize