you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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