just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
