gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was CRYING into my vagina
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize