I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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