you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize