i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Two words: blizzard sex
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
