at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize