Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
