I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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