i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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