How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
