I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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