While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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