I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
