wakey wakey hands off snakey
I faked an abortion last night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Life without a bra equals bliss.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
