i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
