her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
