I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
