Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
