he thought i was a dude.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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